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| Hmm. I don't know anymore. The whole world has tipped upside down.
I was walking down the street today and there was a little girl playing in the dirt between the sidewalk and the road. At first I thought, with horror, where is this girl's mother! Jesus, she's practically playing in the street! Then, as I continued to walk, I saw the mother. She stood with her back to the littler girl prunning a plant hanging from the edge of the house. I guess... Anyways, the poor little thing was playing in some pretty sad looking dirt... looked like the place where some telephone company had dug something up and not covered it up when they were done. Still slightly alarmed that the mother was so careless towards her daughter and her daughter's whereabouts or what her little hands were getting into to, I kept a watch on her, becoming her mother for a few moments as I walked past. At one point, she lifted herself to her feet, legs planted shoulder width apart, hands spread wide in the air - covered with dirt, and turned to look at her mother, twisting her upper body. In that moment I had two feelings - GOD DAMN SHE'S CUTE, and was thinking about how lately we're all little kids playing in our own dirt, trying to sort it all out, clean it all up, make sense of it all.
There have been all kinds of traumatic events lately. I won't talk about anyone else's shit, but my own - I'm unemployed. My boyfriend and I had troubles (we're working through them, I guess). My heart aches from all the pain some of my friends feel. I'm thinking about moving again, maybe to San Fran. (But what about my boy? Is he worth holding back for?) I have a friend who lives in Maine right now who says she'll move with me, for serious. Guess that means I need to decide if I really want to go... because I had thought that if I want to go, it will be rather spur of the moment, not telling anyone until I just pack up a week before and say, guess what, I'm leaving. Love Ya'll, see ya.
Anyways, it's been pretty quiet lately. I think I like that. It's hard to tell. It'd be nicer if the weather wasn't so blah. Raining, cold... You know, if I'm going to be unemployed I'd at least like there to be some freaking sun to enjoy. Ha! I spent my whole day today looking up work from home situations, then realizing they are all scams and writing really mean emails to all the people who run them. Argh. Nothing in this world is sacred. People have lost their sense of respect. IT'S TRUE. Christ, I hope I don't lose mine.
Back to reading, or eating, or sleeping, or interneting, or stressing about money... | | |
| So, what makes me think I am so special? I mean, I just finished watching Michael Moore's The Big One movie. There are a bunch of people in that movie that are everyday working class people, working at places like Borders, other retail stores, and factories. These people may not be the smartest people on earth, but I look at them and wonder - what's so different about me? Why do I think I am above working some shit job the rest of my life? I keep chastising myself for working retail still, and find solace in the fact that I have plans to find a new job in June. I tell myself I will find a new job in June that will not only give me happiness, but also enough money that I will be able to afford my three student loans, my credit card payments, my car payment, car insurance, cell phone, heat, electric, and, ahem, perhaps even an apartment of my own (Or with my current roomie... if we can decide on a place together... ). Anyways. I know half of it is determination, but after seeing all those poeple on that video who are unemployed and desperate for work... I wonder what's the difference? Are they for serious just not driven to get work? Do they just not have the education? Why am I not them? Am I not? Is that my future? You just gotta wonder these things. And then get real depressed. Hahaha. | | |
| I am a spending addict. I am willing to admit it now. So now I'm at the point where I'm trying to decide what to do about it. I've tried paying bills ahead of time. I've tried avoiding malls. I've tried pure psycho-control. And I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't care if it's toilet paper or makeup or new clothes I don't need because my closet is already chock full. I have 150 or more pairs of underwear. And I love buying more. It's stupid when I have bills and debts to pay down. I have credit collectors that have made their phone calls a regular part of my day. And it's still not getting through to me. The only thing that really bothers me is when they get ahold of my boss or my father and start bothering them. Funny how they never seem to call my mother. Hmmmm. Anyways. I've got to get ahold of this problem and soon. I've got to get my finances on the straight and narrow. Even my boyfriend looks down his nose at me. And I've started to find really stupid ways to get more cash, thinking I'll spend it on my bills and help myself get "better", but then I end up saying, well I'll just stop at the mall for a quick second to... get... soap. And then I find myself saying, you know, I've always want to just look in that store Ella. I wonder if they have anything good. And then once I'm standing there with some ten dollar shirt or sweater saying, "Oh, this is so cute and I'd wear it all the time. I love it and it's only ten dollars.... " well, then that's how it all becomes over with. I went to the mall today to trade in a skirt that was the wrong size, thinking maybe I'd return it even, get the twenty bucks back and spend it on the electric bill I still need to pay. But nooooo. I didn't. I fucking went and got the different size skirt, as well as a seventeen dollar purse. FUCK. I'm an asshole. Good thing no one reads this. | | |
| Oh, and I'm posting my address so that if anyone wants to send me mail they can. Did I mention I love sending mail? So if you send me something, we can be penpals and I'll write to you too. Just send it to Ryan p.o box 908 Portsmouth NH 03802. THANKS | | |
| Just to further that idea a tiny bit, I was thinking as they were speaking about this on the radio (the marriage thing) that if they are to make marriage more diffficult, all it should really include vs now is some sort of counciling where someone asks the two engaged lovers, what would you do if... questions and the responses would no doubt be very interesting. If nothing else, it should just give the two people a better idea of what marriage and being with someone forever is really all about. And answers like, "Whatever he wants." or "It doesn't matter, because I love her" are supposed to be big red flags. Because loves is real and can conquer a lot, but it also changes, morphs, becomes a different tool for life. And if you're going to marry someone and attempt to be with them the rest of your life, you need to make sure that the two of you and discuss anything, go through anything, and deal with problems together as a team and arrive at solutions that solve issues on both ends, and at the end of each day, you're both HAPPY.
Sigh. Idealism. | | |
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